Communication is often difficult for us as human beings. We are the only species that was given the additional gift of verbal communication through language; and yet it still remains one of our biggest challenges.  The following are some observations we’ve made in our many years of counseling.  These are some mistakes we make in our effort to communicate with one another; along with some perspectives to consider when these situations arise.

We Make Assumptions

We often assume we know what other people around us are thinking when we really don’t.  We cannot read someone else’s mind, even if we know them well.  People come from a wide variety of backgrounds, have varied experiences and, as a result, interpret things in very different ways. Even if we use the same word or phrase, it may have a different meaning to someone else based on their individual perspective.  A basic tenet of communication is, “Meanings are in people, not in words”.  A number of years ago, there were comments on social media about a friend of mine.  The comment was, “She is the GOAT”.  I quickly learned that it was an acronym for the “Greatest of All Time”, not a farm animal!  While this is a humorous example, you can see how things can easily be misinterpreted.

Even when we are interacting with our spouse or children, whom we know very well, we have to recognize that all of us are changing every day by the experiences we have and the thoughts we entertain. It would serve us well to keep this in mind.

We Ask “Why” Questions

“Why” questions assume there is a rational reason behind something that has happened and can help us accept or, sometimes, place blame.  One of the worst things we can say to someone who is ill or had an accident is, “Why did this happen?”.  Even valid questions such as, “Why didn’t you tell me?”, can put someone on the defense.  I once worked with a family that agreed they were “experts” on “why” questions.  Their “whys” ranged from, “Why didn’t you take out the trash?” to “Why don’t you love me?”.  They soon realized that their “whys” were substituting for honest, healthy communication.  As a family, they decided to give up saying “why” and, instead, use “I” statements.  For example - “I was very frustrated when I came home and the trash hadn’t been taken out.”  Or, “I am struggling because I don’t feel loved in this relationship”.  Simply communicating your feelings can often be much more effective than asking “why”.

We Use the Words “Should” and “Ought”

“You ought to call your sister”.  “You should get that done before tonight”.  These are ways of speaking from a place of authority or in a parental role.  If you are a supervisor or the parent of a small child, that may be appropriate communication.  But, in speaking with another adult, it implies that you know better than they do.  While the intention may be to help someone by reminding them of a task they already had in mind, it can also be interpreted as bossy or even shaming.  

Another option could be to ask a question - “Did you call your sister today?”  “Can I do anything to help you get that done this evening?”

We Don’t Listen

It’s not uncommon for us to begin formulating a response while someone is speaking to us about a subject.  We may be politely looking at them, but we are not really hearing what they are saying.  We may be just waiting for a pause in the story so we can jump in with the response.  Our misunderstanding and miscommunications in our relationships are often due to a simple lack of listening.  

Listening is a form of respect.  It is, in and of itself, a way of communicating to the other person that they are valuable and that you want to hear all that they have to say.  In important conversations, let the other person know that you want to listen to them.  You can even let them know that you may want to take a minute and think about what they said before you respond.  

Effective communication is imperative in every relationship we have.  It is an important principle to train ourselves to listen in a way we could repeat back what people are saying.  If you focus on that principle, you will be giving others the great gift of listening; which says, “you are important and matter to me.”  Also, do your best to speak to others in the same manner you would like to be spoken to.  

If you would like more information on communication or need help in your efforts to effectively communicate with others, we are here to help.  You can call us at Life Connection Counseling - 918-496-9588  or email us at info@lifeconnectioncounseling.com

One of the things we all have in common is we all will suffer loss at several times in our life time.  Actually we can count on it being a rather consistent part of the human journey, it is inevitable.  For these losses not to impact us and challenge us would be to expect ourselves to be “not human”.  It’s not about “will we grieve”, it’s about “how healthy will we grieve” that will allow these to be opportunities for growth and strength rather than times that our soul diminishes and we get stuck in elements of grieving.   

When we think about grief, we usually think about the death of a loved one. But, there are many types of grief.  We grieve over loss of a job, moving away from your home town, loss of a friendship, everyone is grieving over the impact of the Pandemic in our lives, or even life not turning out exactly how we thought it would.

Even good things in our lives can have an element of grief.  Graduating from college is an accomplishment, but can also include grieving over loss of your college life.  A child’s wedding brings joy and a sense of loss or grief as they transition into a new stage in their lives.

Often we experience cumulative losses and therefore cumulative grief.  Moving to a new city means giving up our house, our friends, our children’s school, your church, gym and even your grocery store. 

Recognizing the various griefs we experience in life doesn’t mean we wallow in misery and don’t recognize the positive.  But, we do need to acknowledge loss and grief and allow ourselves to process through it.  Often, with cumulative grief, people wonder why they are feeling down, or are irritable, having trouble finding joy in their lives, or are feeling particularly anxious.  Even a number of very small losses can affect your emotions or sense of well-being.  

It may be as simple as acknowledging that you are sad over a loss in your life, that you wished it had turned out differently.  Allow yourself to feel that, talk with a friend about it, see a therapist.  Or journal about it.

Large losses, such as a loss of a loved one or infertility, loss of a significant job, diminishing health or bankruptcy especially take time to work through.  Many in our culture expect us to “snap out of it” or “move on.”  Or if we have enough faith then it wouldn’t bother us.  Grief is a process and it takes time. We can’t hurry ourselves through it. We have to walk through it.

Everyone processes grief differently as every individual is unique but we do see that most people will have moments of shock and denial, we usually feel some level of anger which is normal and to be expected, times of discouragement or depression and physical mourning responses like tears.  People generally go in and out of these stages, back and forth but if we know how to process them well then the next time we hit a stage the intensity will slowly diminish and the stages will begin to spread out and eventually we begin to accept what has happened and see the future more hopefully.  If we grieve in a healthy way we can ultimately find meaning in our human experience of loss and actually find growth and strength in the journey.

We must think marathon and not a sprint however when it comes to grief.  We don’t speed grieve.  Studies suggest the death of a close loved one can be a two to five year process.  Many would say we never get over some losses.  That is true, we don’t get over loss, we get through it.

A therapist can offer support through the process. For many people, just knowing that what they are feeling is normal and learning the stages of grief and how to walk through them helps tremendously.

If you are experiencing loss of any kind, we have number of therapist who can help you.

Ahhh….February, the month of love.  Just as soon as the Christmas decorations are taken down, all the stores are flooded with hearts, cards, flowers and great gift suggestions for “that special someone.”

Valentine's Day is welcomed by some, causes dread in some and contempt in others. 

Yet, the idea of those magical,  intoxicating feelings of new love is appealing to almost everyone.  Remember when you first fell in love? Life was wonderful, we knew that our love was special.

Romantic love is intoxicating! In fact, studies have shown that love impacts the parts of the brain most heavily affected by addictive drugs.  Love affects us in similar ways to cocaine and heroin! Romantic movies, tv shows and books tell us that love conquers all and if we just find that right person, we can have a perfect and exciting relationship.  The problem is that they rarely show life afterwards.  

In over 37 years of practice as Marriage and Family counselors, we have seen that most people have that incredible spark, the glow of love early in their relationship.  And, it feels great!  But, as time goes on, that initial chemistry begins to fade. This is often the point where people question if this relationship is right. “Did I pick the wrong one?”  This is a natural response if you are depending on that “high” to continue without putting any work into it.

To keep love alive and glowing (and yes, it can be) requires some effort. You may join a  gym but that doesn’t make you physically fit. It requires repetitive effort on your part several times a week for the rest of your life. 

It is the same with relationships, there is choice and effort that is involved.  

Most people forget that in the early days of their relationship, they did a lot of nice and caring things for each other.  And it was easy!  We had the chemistry and we spent a lot of time together.  After we got married, we had to focus our attention to jobs, homes, kids, and so much more.  While this is normal, if we forget to do some of those small things for our spouse,  surprising them with a coffee from their favorite coffee shop, or writing a love note or planning a date night, our romantic feelings will naturally fade. 

If we want to have the early “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship, we have to act like boyfriends and girlfriends.

Love requires action. But the good news is that when you do positive things for your partner, it not only helps them feel loved, it actually helps you feel more love toward them.

So, start today doing thoughtful things for your spouse. To make sure that those things are meaningful, each of you make a list of things that would help you feel loved and exchange them. Without discussing them, try to do something for them at least every other day for a month and see what happens in your relationship!

For more information, go to brentandjanissharpe.com and watch “The Care and Feeding of Your Marriage.”  There’s no charge and it can help you get those positive feelings back again.  And..check out our podcast: Life and Love Nuggets with Brent and Janis Sharpe.

You may be struggling in a relationship, or have things from the past that you can’t seem to let go of. Or you find yourself anxious or wondering if this sadness is depression.  Friends tell you to get help. You want to consider therapy. But it seems a little intimidating or uncomfortable to think about how to get started,

Here are a few things to help you feel more at ease with the therapeutic process.

First of all, find a reputable therapist.  Ask your doctor, your pastor or friends, who have been in therapy, the name of a therapist they would recommend. People in professional roles such as doctors or pastors will know people who have sought counseling and report back on their progress. This provides them with good references so that you can rest assured you are referred to someone who practices good/effective therapy.

Call your insurance company to find out if your policy covers mental health.They may have a list of providers who participate in your plan.  Many therapists are no longer taking insurance, so the therapist you want to see may not be in network with your insurance plan.  You can ask if they will file out of network with your insurance, or you can ask if they work on a sliding scale; which could reduce your costs. If there is a therapist who has been highly recommended to you but they do not accept your insurance, consider setting up an appointment anyway and paying out of pocket.  Often, more experienced counselors are well worth the extra cost.

If you don’t have the name of a specific counselor, but have been referred to a group practice or agency, call the office and briefly share why you looking to schedule a session. The receptionist should be able to direct you to someone in the practice who would be a good fit for you and your particular situation. Don’t be timid about sharing the reason you are looking for a therapist. People working in a therapy practice hear all types of issues every day and they won’t judge you or be shocked by what you share.  Their business is to help people in all types of circumstances connect to the most helpful therapist.

Schedule your appointments at a time that is convenient for you.  Some practices offer evening or Saturday hours.  If you start seeing a therapist that only works in the daytime and you are having to miss work or get childcare each time, you will be less likely to go to your appointments consistently.  Or you may even discontinue therapy.  Being consistent with therapy is very important. Going in twice a year may be encouraging, but that doesn’t generally doesn’t lead to lasting change and growth.

If at all possible, complete your paperwork online prior to your first appointment.  Most therapists schedule 50-60 minute sessions, and they will most likely have another person scheduled right after you. If you spend 15 minutes completing your paperwork, your session will be limited by the amount of time left in your scheduled visit. If you can’t complete it online, arrive 15- 20 minutes early so it doesn’t cut into your time with your therapist.

Briefly prepare ahead of time to share which issues are your greatest concerns. Don’t worry if you don’t have it all completely clarified. Just start with why you are coming to counseling or what issues you want to work on. This will help you and the therapist get the most out of the first session.

Be prepared to talk.  The therapist can’t get to know you if you don’t openly share.  Allow the therapist to talk, too. Sometimes it feels so good to talk about something in a safe setting that we don’t get to hear the therapist’s perspective. They are there to offer tools you need to help you cope, learn and grow.

If there are times you feel scattered, allow the counselor to ask questions. They can guide you in telling your story and clarifying your goals. Don’t worry about whether you are doing therapy “right.” This isn’t about presenting well for your therapist. It is about getting help.

Expect your therapist to give you homework. If they don’t, ask for it.  There is work that you can be doing during the times between your appointments that can help speed your healing.

Recognize that therapy is a process.  Some people believe that they go to a therapist to share their issues and a “good” therapist will just tell them what to do so they can finish quickly. They want to have a judge or in marriage counseling  a referee!  The goal is for you to gain insights and learn new skills to help you function better in your life and relationships. It takes time!  That doesn’t mean you have to be in therapy forever, but we can’t rush the process.  It is a little- by-little process. You may remember the movie What About Bob? -It’s baby steps. (Warning that movie is Not about good therapy.)

If you are uncomfortable with anything your therapist says in session or the way they are going about therapy, speak up!  This is your time. If  your progress is going too slow or you feel you are being rushed, talk to your therapist about it.  Even gifted, experienced therapists can’t read your mind. Speak up.

The relationship between you and your therapist is the most important aspect of therapy. You should feel safe; knowing the therapist won’t judge you or minimize your issues and that your discussions will be held in confidence.

If you are uncomfortable with your therapist or just don’t feel like you can relate to them, you can change therapists.  The right fit is crucial in working with a therapist. If however, you are seeing your 4th counselor, you may have to ask yourself if you are ready for therapy or if you are running away from an issue.

Depending on your circumstances, your therapist may suggest you transfer to someone who does trauma work using EMDR or other specified techniques. This is not a sign that they don’t want to work with you. It is a sign that they are looking after your best interests and want you to get the best possible care.

They may also encourage you to see your primary care doctor for medication for anxiety, depression or ADD or ADHD.  Medication is very helpful in certain situations and actually helps the therapeutic process and provide you quicker relief.

Going to therapy doesn’t mean that you will go on medication or that you will be on medication for the rest of your life.  Your therapist will help you develop coping skills and strategies to deal with your life circumstances These tools will  help you enjoy life and have good relationships.

It may seem intimidating to go to therapy for the first time. But remember, this is what a therapist does every day.  They are trained to be accepting, safe, confidential. They are there to work for you and help you achieve your relationship and emotional goals.

Most people have heard of seasonal affective disorder (SAD).  Clinically, it is considered a mood disorder subset.  People experiencing SAD struggle to find motivation to leave the house and engage in social interaction.  Even small things may feel difficult.  Sometimes those who don’t typically experience depression most of the year begin to exhibit depressive symptoms in the winter months.  Common symptoms include sleeping too much, having little to no energy  and overeating. This same condition in the summer can include heightened anxiety. 

The American Psychiatric Association also lists symptoms such as loss of energy or feelings of fatigue (despite sleeping a lot).  Conversely, insomnia can become an issue as well as restlessness, pacing, and racing thoughts. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt and having trouble making decisions or staying focused have been noted as well.

If you have found yourself experiencing some of these feelings, there are things that you can do to address the issues. 

• Plan ahead.  Acknowledge that this is a difficult time of year for you, and put things in place to help make this season easier.

• Make a list of pleasant events in which you have participated in the past or would like to try. Some examples are -  having lunch with a friend,  doing  yoga on youtube, learning to knit or going to a museum.  It could also be something as simple as buying your favorite kind of coffee and drinking it each morning in a special cup. Push yourself to do at least one of these things each day, even if you don’t feel like it.  Doing positive things helps us start thinking in a more positive direction.

• Remind yourself that this is a temporary season.   

• Get outside every day.  Just being in natural sunlight can help your mood.

• Consider getting a light box. These mimic the natural outdoor light that is  lacking in the winter months.  Sitting in front of this light when you first wake up can trigger particular neurotransmitters to be released in your brain.  This will help elevate your mood for the rest of the day.

• Make your morning positive. Plan the night before and prepare things that will make your morning easier. Make sure you have clean clothes, food for breakfast and anything you need to have ready for your day.

• Exercise.  Consistent exercise has been proven to help with depression.  If you exercise outside you get double the benefit -  sunlight and physical activity.

• Reach out to supportive family and friends. 

• Limit your exposure to news, social media and other negative influences. 

• Every night before bed,  write a list of things you are grateful for or a list of things you did well today.  

• Make lists. Just writing a list helps your brain move away from a negative mood and into a planning mode. 

Even with all of these actions in place, you may find yourself no longer able to function at a normal capacity due to depression symptoms. If this becomes the case,  it's time to seek help from a mental health professional.  Find a therapist who understands SAD and can help you through this difficult season.   Generally speaking,  if your sleep, weight (up or down), mood, interest in activities, energy levels and ability to concentrate have significantly been impacted for more than two weeks, you should seek counseling.

If you experience any suicidal thoughts or actions, get help immediately. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 988, or the toll free Lifeline at 800-273-8255.   You can also go to the nearest Emergency Room as soon as possible if these thoughts ever occur to you.  You are not alone, and there is help!

How do you know if you are in an unhealthy relationship? We know that relationships take work, and that there will be good and bad times; as well as things that we need to overlook. But there are some relationships that just aren’t healthy and will end up painful and possibly damaging to us and others.
Here are a few warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.

The person you are in relationship with criticizes or belittles you. Sometimes it is obvious. “I can’t believe you are so stupid.” But often times it is subtle - consistently questioning what you are wearing or why you do things the way you do them. When you are offended or hurt by the comments, the response is often, “You are just too sensitive”, or “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”

They try to change you, what you wear, how you fix your hair, how you speak or want to “help you” lose or gain weight.

Another sign is you begin to notice you are only doing activities they enjoy. If you do plan something you like to do, they will likely have an excuse for not doing it, complain throughout the activity or try to convince you that what they want to do is really much more fun.

If you are in an unhealthy relationship, that person will attempt to pull you away from other positive influences in your life. They begin by either criticizing people that you are close to, or finding ways to keep you too busy to be with those people.

They may use emotional blackmail, “If you really loved me, you would do……” or “If you were a good wife, friend, etc... you would know what I need.” This is idealism at best and control at worst.

You find yourself apologizing frequently but realize they rarely, if ever apologize. Or the apology is something like, “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have done that if you…..” True apologies require accepting our responsibility without shifting blame or rationalizing behavior.

If you state a strong opinion that they disagree with, an unhealthy person will contact people who are close to you (often people they have been critical of in the past) and try to get them to persuade you to change your opinion or feelings about an issue or person.

In an unhealthy relationship, you often feel confused after trying to discuss something with them, or you find you are frequently doubting yourself. Over a period of time, you find it difficult to make decisions and leave the decision making up to the other person.

Healthy relationships help us grow as individuals. Healthy relationships thrive on open communication and willingness to work through disagreements. Healthy relationships require compromise but value individual opinions, wants and needs. Healthy relationships help us be our best in our relationships with others.

If you see unhealthy signs in your relationships, seek professional help. Working with an experienced, caring counselor can help improve your life and your relationships.

In our world today, most people are dealing with a certain level of grief and loss. As the worldwide Pandemic is just now beginning to ease up, many of us are realizing we have been dealing with a great deal of loss. The world has been a different place for the last few years. Our normal way of life, believing we have a measure of control to many of our daily actions, has been taken away. We are also seeing nightly news of a war in eastern Europe. It is unsettling to us all as we see people being overtaken by a larger, more powerful country, and the rest of the world seemingly can’t do anything to change the circumstances.

As we have discussed before, loss is inevitable in the human journey; therefore, we will all grieve. One of the most difficult parts of grief is dealing with anger. We see a lot of people angry over all kinds of things in their lives. One of the challenges of dealing with anger is, for the most part, we all have been taught we shouldn’t be angry. So we tend to try initially to repress anger. However, even the scripture says, “In your anger, do not sin”. We will get angry. Anger is actually a very normal emotion. Yet, how can we be angry but not sin?

I think there are two ways we might sin. One is, we sin against ourselves by just repressing the anger. This will harm our souls internally. The second is, we let it boil over and lash out at another. Neither are healthy or productive. So what do we do with anger, and how do we move through it appropriately?

First, we need to understand that anger is a secondary emotion. I use the illustration that it is like a chimney. Anger is what comes out of the chimney. Below that anger are the primary emotions. Two major categories of primary emotions are usually hurt and loss. Unpacked hurt could be many things, such as feeling unappreciated, rejected, misunderstood, taken advantage of, unloved, mis- portrayed, not listened to etc…

Ultimately we want to try to find the primary emotions and allow ourselves to feel those feelings and express them in a healthy way. You might find talking with a safe friend helps you unpack these primary emotions. Safe friends are confidential and validating in that they are not trying to fix you or get you to stop feeling the feeling. They are simply there to be with you and support you in your anger. Some people find writing out raw emotions to vent them is a release, and it helps them identify their primary emotions.

Writing out our feelings and talking with a safe friend can help us move through the anger and begin to release it. This, in turn, can decrease its intensity and frequency.

Ultimately, forgiveness is the final resolution of anger. We will talk about this more in another post. But finding a way to see those who hurt us in a different light and realizing they are acting out of their own hurt is a step towards mercy. Mercy is a first step towards forgiveness.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year and we tell ourselves that this year Christmas will be perfect! All the Hallmark movies give us glimpses of how life “should be” or “could be”. It’s easy to think that if we just get the right presents, or plan a perfect party, or get the family all in one place our holidays will be magical! Isn’t that what the message is all around us? It’s not enough to enjoy the holidays or spend time with our loved ones. It needs to be “magical”!

It truly is a wonderful time of year and there are so many things to enjoy and celebrate. But the reality is, we are still in our own lives and in our own families. For some of us that means, your sister will brag about her perfect life and her perfect family. Your aunt will mention how much weight you have gained. Kids will get loud and overwhelming or bored and whiny and have some periodic melt downs. Someone in your family may have too much to drink and reveal what they really think about everyone or fall asleep right when you want to have the family picture taken.

Maybe you don’t experience any of those things, but have other disappointments that keep the holidays from being as perfect as you want them to be.

That’s because you and your family are imperfect humans and we live in an imperfect world. Hallmark movies are just stories, they are fantasy.

The answer isn’t to become pessimistic and turn into Scrooge or the Grinch. We just have to prepare ourselves and manage our expectations.This truly is a wonderful life if we choose to celebrate what is good and beautiful and accept the imperfect. Here are a few helpful guidelines to follow:
Don’t be surprised by the messiness of family. We are imperfect humans. Anticipate the things that will happen and let your family be who they are. You can’t change them but you can make plans to make the holidays more enjoyable.
Remember, there is some good in everyone if we look for it. Make it a point to look for some positive in everyone of your family members. It may only be that cranky aunt Mary makes great mashed potatoes or that your nephew or your child can tear through wrapping paper faster than anyone you have ever seen. Do your best to focus on any possible good that you see. Focusing on the negative or how you wish they were only brings disappointment.

Limit the time you are together. It is better to be together for a short time and enjoy each other than staying out of obligation and driving away hoping you don’t have to go back again for a long time.
Make plans that work for your own family. Grandma may want all the grandchildren to go to the Children’s museum, or stay up to watch a favorite Christmas movie or wait to eat until another family arrives. But that may not work for the ages or personalities of your children. It is okay to opt out of some traditions or expectations. Family members may not like it, but doing what works for your family helps your kids enjoy the holiday more (especially if it involves getting rest!) and keeps you from feeling irritable and overwhelmed.

Give yourself an escape plan. If being with 30 people in a small house gets overwhelming, take a walk. Go to the store for milk or toilet paper or go get coffee. It’s better to take a break than to allow the stress to build up and spoil it all.

Create pockets of peace. In the busyness of the season, find times and ways that you can be still and enjoy all the good of this time. Get up before everyone is awake and drink coffee by the Christmas tree. Go for a walk or run and enjoy the cold weather. Turn off the news and instead listen to Christmas songs. Give yourself a small present to remind you that you are important too! Find a house of worship and go for a service or sit quietly for a few minutes in the empty church and think about all the good in your life. Write a list of all the things you are thankful for this year and keep it to add on to each year. Manage your expectations - whether with your extended family, your own kids, your spouse, your friends or yourself! We all have limits, limited energy, resources, patience and time. Recognize those limits and plan accordingly. Don’t put pressure on yourself or anyone else to make things be as you want them to be. Celebrate what you have and don’t compare your life with others. This may be a time that you need to stay away from social media and the carefully curated versions of other people’s lives. In reality, life is messy, but it’s also beautiful.

So, have yourself a beautiful, messy, imperfectly magical, Christmas!

The enneagram seems to be all over the place right now - on social media, discussed at dinner parties and maybe even mentioned by your church or work. It’s becoming more commonplace to be asked - “What’s your type?” or “What number are you?”. The enneagram is a very old personality inventory, but no one really knows its origin. It’s not evidence-based or scientific, but it has stood the test of time for some good reason.

For those who are still unfamiliar with the enneagram, here’s a quick recap on how it works. There are 9 personality types; all of which are represented by a singular number. You can either be a Type 1 or Type 2 and so on. You can only be one type, and your type cannot change. According to Enneagram Coaches Liz Carver and Josh Green in their book “What’s Your Enneatype?”, you discover your number through reading all 9 type descriptions. As you learn, pay close attention to each type’s core motivation and core fear. There are tests available which will be linked below. But part of the fun is going on a journey to decide for yourself which type you are - no test needed! Just go ahead and delve into the book.

It’s a journey with many layers that makes you - you! Once you find your type, you can go on the journey of discovering your “wing” that also explains you more. Your wing can be either number adjacent to your main Type number on the Enneagram number wheel. This just means that you tend to take on characteristics of those core numbers. Next there are subtypes that further explain how you relate in social situations (social subtype, one-to-one subtype and self-preservation subtype). To further peel back the onion layers on the unique you, there are also harmonic triads ; which group 3 numbers together to talk about how your type relates to others.

The Enneagram can be a useful tool for self growth. It’s not so focused on who you are but how you operate and see the world. Richard Rohr writes about why the enneagram is useful for growth, “Self-knowledge is tied to inner work, which is both demanding and painful.” We need to see ourselves, the strengths And weaknesses, in order to heal, mend and become more whole-hearted people. It takes slowing down, learning and painfully changing bad habits in order to heal old wounds.

The Enneagram does a great job of balancing the value of our natural strengths, while also pointing out and challenging us to pursue growth in characteristics that do not come naturally. For example, detail-oriented, ethically and morally obligated Type 1s are challenged to develop the characteristic of being adventurous, joyful and easy going like a healthy Type 7. This tool of growth is called arrows. It’s when your Enneagram Type begins to take on strengths of another number in seasons of growth. Arrows can also give you language to help identify your feelings when you are in a season of stress. Type 1s, in stress, take on the weaknesses of a Type 4 and can seem moody, overly-emotional, critical and even depressed. When a Type 1 feels themselves being pulled too much into their emotions, that can be a sign that more self care and rest is needed and to watch their tone and emotions with others. Each category provides descriptions of levels of health and recommendations of how to pursue a stronger level of health. At different times in a Type 7’s life, they could be more loyal, committed and disciplined, yet also joyful and spontaneous. This is an example of a great balance of health. Also, a Type 7 can be more unhealthy, showing signs of over-indulgence in things they love, being flakey in commitments and showing no interest in taking care of their emotions. The enneagraminstitute.com lays out all the levels of health for each number under Type Descriptions.

Although the enneagram isn’t a one-size fits all or perfect in its descriptions, a lot of people who find their enneagram type feel seen and understood. They are able to give names and language to aspects of themselves they have never been able to verbalize before. People say that the enneagram is also a tool for understanding others better. People are able to see more clearly the motivation of their spouse or close friend and how to take things less personally because they have a deeper understanding of the needs and motivations of others.

If you’d like to learn more about the enneagram, here are a couple of suggested books and a website to begin your journey of self discovery and growth.

What’s your Enneatype? by Liz Carter and Josh Green

The Road Back to You by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile

www.enneagramkinstitute.com - $12 test is available along with information on Type Descriptions.

What is “Empty Nest”? “Empty Nest Syndrome” is a term that was coined in the 1970s to describe the grief and sometimes depression parents experience when their last child leaves home.

If you are in this stage of life, don’t be surprised if you experience grief, sadness, loneliness, loss of purpose, or other emotions. Adjustment to Empty Nest is a stage of life like getting married or having a child, and like those life changes, we lose something at the same time we gain something. As our children launch, we realize that we will no longer be involved in school events, sports and so many other activities. As our last one left home, I remember thinking, “I’ll never do teachers gifts again, shop for prom dresses, bring snacks for soccer, help with school parties, help with science fair projects (Okay, some of these changes are really great!). But with change, even good change, comes grief.
Marriages can struggle during this time. Often couples have put so much energy into their children, that they haven’t even realized they have drifted apart. Often couples look at each other and think, “Who are you?” They have lost track of each other as people while they were focusing on being parents.
The Empty Nest stage of life is a great time to re-prioritize your marriage, It is a time to become more partner focused. We have the opportunity to go back to the early stages of marriage where it was, “You and me against the world Baby”. Many find this phase of life is even better than early marriage because now we bring more maturity, wisdom and joint experiences that can strengthen our bond.
But it is a process. Some couples find out that they not only don’t know each other, they don’t particularly like each other! With more time on your hands, the cracks in your relationship show up. If you have gone separate directions for years, it will take some adjustment to come back together again.
Marriage at any stage requires intentionality. Your marriage can grow and change in this stage of life if you are willing to put in some effort. Here are a few practical steps that you can take to re-energize your marriage and help move you to an enjoyable Empty Nest marriage.
1. Let this be a time for a new marriage. Dream together. When we were dating or newly married, we dreamed about things we could do together such as travel and adventures. Now is the time for those! Think about how you can take the energy that you have put into raising children and refocus that energy into creating a refreshed, full and positive life and marriage.

2. Find new hobbies or take up old ones. Happy marriages come from happy individuals. Maybe it’s time to play the piano again, or learn how to play. There are art classes, gardening classes, classes to help you learn how to buy stocks, build furniture, go bird watching and so many other things. Take the time now to explore other interests.

3. Take interest in each other’s interests. My husband is a golfer. I’m not, but I like to ride along in the cart with him. I take a good book and look up from time to time, to tell him he is doing a great job! He’s learned to enjoy live theater with me. He never would have chosen it on his own, but he went because I like it. If something is interesting to your partner, it is worth exploring.
4. Allow yourself to grieve, but also celebrate the good changes. We often jokingly ask each other, “How many games do we have this weekend and when are they?" “That’s right we don’t have ANY!” (It’s even sweeter when they are completely independent and you celebrate as each one goes off your car insurance and cell phone plan.)
5. Plan adventures. They can be big trips, or day time getaways to towns around you. Even if you do college weekends to see your kids, take an extra day or two for you as a couple. But don’t just limit time away to college weekends. Find adventures for just the two of you.
6. Cultivate new friendships with other empty nesters. Invite them to dinner or meet for coffee. You have time now for more relationships.
7. Have a consistent date night. Even if you are together every evening, take one night a week and make it a special date night. Date nights have to be planned. If they aren’t, it can end up being like any other night. Make a list of ten dates that you would like to go on with your spouse. Be as detailed as possible. Write down which restaurants you want to go to or what activities you would like to do. As you make the list, don’t worry about whether or not your spouse wants to do them. Alternate who plans the date each week. When it’s your turn to plan, go off your partners list and use this time to treat them to some of their favorite restaurants or activities. It’s fair, because next week you will get to do what you like to do!
8. Get help if needed. We are seeing an increasing number of people coming in for counseling who are empty nesters or newly retired. Many times there are just minor adjustments that can be made to help us have richer and more positive lives.

Emotions! We all have them. Some of us express them freely while others of us keep all of our emotions to ourselves or don’t really even know what we are feeling.

Our culture values stoicism. “She was so strong at her husband’s funeral. She didn’t shed a tear.” She may have appeared to be coping really well, but in actuality she was probably in shock.
Our families may have given us some well-intentioned advice such as, “Big girls don’t cry”, “Be a man” or “Suck it up, buttercup!” This implies that showing emotion is not ok.

Many of us were raised in homes where emotions weren’t valued or viewed as important. We unconsciously picked up on the idea that showing emotion implied weakness. Or we learned that there were only a few primary emotions - anger, sadness, happiness and “okay”. While there is a time and place to hold our emotions in; long term it can be harmful to our health and relationships.

The two questions I often hear from many people are - “How do I express my emotions in a healthy way?” and “What am I really feeling?” While this varies by background and personality, some of us have to stop and really think about what we are feeling. As humans, we have a wide variety of emotions. We may feel content, overwhelmed, joyful, intimidated or eager - along with so many other possibilities. But we often don’t have the emotional vocabulary we need to express how we are really feeling. We aren’t taught the language of emotions.

One of the most common emotions we see expressed in our culture is anger. Particularly on social media, people feel free to

express anger. Anger is a very normal emotion, but it is a secondary emotion. The primary emotions, which we are often unaware of (therefore don’t get communicated) may be - feeling hurt, disrespected, unappreciated, mis-portrayed, neglected etc... Anger expressed directly is usually unproductive. People respond to anger with a flight or fight response, and the true feelings of hurt, disrespect, etc. are usually not even heard. Learning to identify primary emotions and how to express them will help enhance communication significantly.

If people close to you frequently ask you what you are thinking or if you are mad at them, you may not be expressing your emotions very well or you may not really know what you are feeling. We can learn to be more in touch with our emotions and learn the language needed in order to express them. But, as with most things, it requires a little effort.

You can find a number of charts online that reference emotions. Find one you like and print it out. Keep it nearby and stop periodically to ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?”. This is a good way to begin identifying your emotions; which can lead to more productive communication with those around you.

One of the things we all have in common is we all will suffer loss at some time in our lives. Actually, we can count on it being a rather consistent part of the human journey. It is inevitable. For these losses not to impact us and challenge us would be to expect ourselves to be “not human”. It’s not about “will we grieve”, it’s about “how healthy will we grieve” in a way that will allow these to be opportunities for growth and strength rather than times that our soul diminishes and we get stuck in elements of grief.

When we think about grief, we usually think about the death of a loved one. But, there are many types of grief.  We grieve over the loss of a job, moving away from your home town or loss of a friendship. Everyone is grieving over the impact of the Pandemic in our lives or even life not turning out exactly how we thought it would.

Even good things in our lives can have an element of grief.  Graduating from college is an accomplishment, but can also include grieving over loss of your college life.  A child’s wedding brings joy and a sense of loss or grief as they transition into a new stage in their lives.

Often we experience cumulative losses and therefore cumulative grief.  Moving to a new city means giving up our house, our friends, our children’s school, our church, gym and even our grocery store!

Recognizing the various kinds of grief we experience in life doesn’t mean we wallow in misery and don’t recognize the positive.  But we do need to acknowledge loss and grief and allow ourselves to process through it.  Often, with cumulative grief, people wonder why they are feeling down or are irritable, having trouble finding joy in their lives or are feeling particularly anxious. Even a number of very small losses can affect your emotions or sense of well-being.  

It may be as simple as acknowledging that you are sad over a loss in your life and that you wish it had turned out differently.  Allow yourself to feel that. Talk with a friend about it. See a therapist, or journal about it.

Large losses, such as a loss of a loved one or infertility, loss of a significant job, diminishing health or bankruptcy especially take time to work through.  Many in our culture expect us to “snap out of it” or “move on”. Or they think that if we have enough faith then it wouldn’t bother us. Grief is a process and it takes time. We can’t hurry ourselves through it. We have to walk through it.

Everyone processes grief differently, but we do see common patterns. Most people will have moments of shock and denial. We usually feel some level of anger, which is normal and to be expected, times of discouragement or depression and physical mourning responses like tears. We go in and out of these stages - back and forth. But if we know how to process them well, then the next time we hit a stage the intensity of our response will slowly diminish. The stages will begin to spread out and eventually we begin to accept what has happened and see the future more hopefully. If we grieve in a healthy way we can ultimately find meaning in our human experience of loss and actually find growth and strength in the journey.

Grief is more of a marathon and not a sprint. We can’t speed up or shortcut grief. Studies suggest that grieving over the loss of a close loved one can be a two to five year process. Many would say we never get over some losses. That is true. We don’t get over loss, we get through it.

A therapist can offer support through the process. For many people, just knowing that what they are feeling is normal and learning the stages of grief and how to walk through them helps tremendously.

If you are experiencing loss of any kind, we have a number of therapist who can help you.

As spring is blooming all around us,  we are beginning to emerge from the pandemic.  Overall in the U.S., Covid numbers are coming down and many people are getting vaccinated,  but we aren’t quite back to “normal” yet.  

Many of us are wondering, “What does normal even look like?”  We all had to make a sudden change in our lives, adjusting to a very different way of living. How do we get back to our lives again?

Just as individuals reacted differently to “lock down”, we are reacting differently to the idea of “re-entry”. Some people are starting to plan trips or dream of weddings or reunions with people they haven’t seen throughout the pandemic.  For others, the idea of “getting back to life” comes with anxiety.  We have learned to live isolated, with much slower lives and less social interaction. Getting back to normal may seem hard or even frightening. 

Dr. Arthur Bregman, a psychiatrist who has been studying the 1918 influenza pandemic’s psychological impact on the world states that roughly 40% of the population during the 1918 pandemic would be diagnosed with what we now call PTSD. “It took 10 years for the people to get out of this,” he says.

Fortunately, mental health awareness has evolved since that time and we have many more options for help. Seeing a therapist is not only acceptable now, but therapy is also widely available. 

As we emerge from the pandemic, for our emotional, mental and relationship health, we need to get back to life. That means beginning to be with people again! 

If that feels intimidating to you or produces anxiety, take small steps.  Don’t push yourself to do everything at once, but don’t allow yourself to get stuck in pandemic isolation either. 

Here are a few tips to help with “re-entry” anxiety:

Make a list of positive habits you formed during the pandemic that you want to keep in your life. It may be limiting kids activities to allow for more family time, continuing to exercise daily or relaxing by reading a good book.

Start reconnecting to former support systems, whether it’s church, an exercise class you used to enjoy or meeting old friends for dinner. You don’t have to do it all at once, but begin to inch back to normal.

Limit your time watching television shows, movies and even catching up on the news. Many of those things that were survival tactics in the pandemic may now be counterproductive and could keep us from getting the social interaction we need. 

Consider going to a therapist to help you with anxiety or depression you have dealt with during the pandemic or family issues that may have arisen.

It may feel awkward.  We haven’t been doing those things. But all change, even positive changes, come with some discomfort. Just like physical exercise, it may be uncomfortable in the beginning.  But the long term results are worth it!

Ahhh....February, the month of love. Just as soon as the Christmas decorations are taken down, all the stores are flooded with hearts, cards, flowers and great gift suggestions for “that special someone.”
Valentine's Day is welcomed by some, causes dread in some and contempt in others.

Yet, the idea of those magical, intoxicating feelings of new love is appealing to almost everyone. Remember when you first fell in love? Life was wonderful, we knew that our love was special.

Romantic love is intoxicating! In fact, studies have shown that love impacts the parts of the brain most heavily affected by addictive drugs. Love affects us in similar ways to cocaine and heroin!

Romantic movies, tv shows and books tell us that love conquers all and if we just find that right person, we can have a perfect and exciting relationship. The problem is that they rarely show life afterwards.

In over 35 years of practice as Marriage and Family counselors, we have seen that most people have that incredible spark, the glow of love early in their relationship. And, it feels great! But, as time goes on, that initial chemistry begins to fade. This is often the point where people question if this relationship is right. “Did I pick the wrong one?” This is a natural response if you are depending on that “high” to continue without putting any work into it.

To keep love alive and glowing (and yes, it can be) requires some effort. You may join a gym but that doesn’t make you physically fit. It requires repetitive effort on your part several times a week for the rest of your life.

It is the same with relationships, there is choice and effort that is involved. Most people forget that in the early days of their relationship, they did a lot of nice and caring things for each other. And it was easy! We had the chemistry and we spent a lot of time together. After we got married, we had to focus our attention to jobs, homes, kids, and so much more. While this is normal, if we forget to do some of those small things for our spouse, surprising them with a coffee from their favorite coffee shop, or writing a love note or planning a date night, our romantic feelings will naturally fade. If we want to have the early “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship, we have to act like boyfriends and girlfriends.

Love requires action. But the good news is that when you do positive things for your partner, it not only helps them feel loved, it actually helps you feel more love toward them.

So, start today doing thoughtful things for your spouse. To make sure that those things are meaningful, each of you make a list of things that would help you feel loved and exchange them. Without discussing them, try to do something for them at least every other day for a month and see what happens in your relationship!

For more information, go to brentandjanissharpe.com and watch “The Care and Feeding of Your Marriage.” There’s no charge and it can help you get those positive feelings back again.